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XscreamingXfallenXangelX
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Name: Pete
Location: Schuylkill County, Pennsylvania, United States
Birthday: 6/9/1986
Gender: Male
Interests: Music, meeting new people, changing the world, writing, poetry, music production, DJing, singing, road trips, religion, anything except for living normally is pretty interesting to me.
Expertise: shanking bitches.
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  Revolution698
Member Since:
5/1/2005
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| Hey I'll be needing a roommate pretty soon, not entirely sure when, but probably about 2 or 3 months from now. I currently live up near Hazleton and have been here about 6 months but my roommate is planning on moving out with his friends in a couple months. Since I've wanted to move back to Allentown anyway, I need a roommate, place to live, and a job lined up there.
I'm looking for someone who's also gay, preferably young, laid back, good-looking, shares responsibilities and doesn't make me do everything, and isn't a controlling bitch or a slut. Trust me, I've been through 6 months of that shit lol, then again I guess living with your ex isn't the greatest idea.
In any case, I'm 23, poor like most of my friends, living paycheck to paycheck, and I'm a poet and writer, skinny, 5'8", red and blond hair, 115 lbs.
I hate to say this but I would prefer a roommate who I could maybe date or at least screw around with sometimes because seriously, I just really like that idea lol and I've barely had any of that since I've lived up here.
For the most part I'm normal, not flaming, I do like emo/scene style shit so I wear eyeliner sometimes and tight jeans, shit like that, I like almost any kind of music except obnoxiously overplayed hip-hop, reggaeton, or country. Or Mr. Bungle. Worst band ever.
Please be white, Spanish, or of mixed ethnicity and speak English, and if you know any Spanish I'd love to learn it.
Also, I like cats and dogs as long as they are small and not too obnoxious and are potty-trained.
If you drink on a regular basis, show me where your stash is lol. Parties are cool, just not when I need to sleep for work, that gets me into bitch mode spectacular.
And if you have friends over, if I have work the next day, please have them leave at a decent hour.
Well other than all that, I think we should be good, kiddos!!
And please shave the body hair, except your legs, that's fine.
Holla at me kids!!
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| I sometimes get caught up in these slight bits of fantasizing about where I might want my life to be, and how that would involve present friends, and then it kinda hits me.
I've had this whole vision that no one I really know seems to fit into, of being in an apartment where the walls are unpainted and we don't have much furniture, and there's all hard-wood floors everywhere and we don't use electricity that often, but instead every night we congregate on the living room floor, light a few candles and resort to what is REALLY LIVING....as in we never paint the walls, ever, but instead spill out our lives onto them in the form of poetry and songs and paintings here or there.
This place is an artist's haven where the place is big but since it's kinda rundown, the rent is cheap enough that we can all just work part-jobs. We have a decent little stereo system to play songs if we want, but rarely does this happen since we have someone who plays acoustic guitar living with us. We all smoke and sometimes drink, there's ashes on the floor and a big window out which we can gaze and stare at the city as the rain batters the clear barrier, distorting our view into images that make sense to us.
We value art and expression more than anyone else we've ever known, and so we're a family. Technology is limited here, but it is such that we can do everything we need to on it.
This is the life I dream of, but I can't really see anyone I know now living there, but maybe it's just that we're all still a bit too young to appreciate something like that enough to make it really work. I don't know.
I don't really feel like I have friends right now....I thought I might be able to live a decent poet's life up here but I'm constantly fighting and its so uninspiring and people come here at odd hours of the night and Justin's speakers are really loud with his games and TV shows, so I can't do this here, there's too much confrontation, too many other things to worry about.
I just want the security and no-drama and honesty that could only be provided by other people around my age who understand me on a deeper level than what most people think they know about me.
I'm tired of cleaning up after people, being stressed, yelling and screaming.
All I've ever really wanted was to escape, and it often hurts that all my dreams are only ever just dreams that never transcend into reality.
Eventually, if I do live that dream, I'd like to get published as a poet and author someday, but first for the rest of my 20's, I want to focus on just the writing itself. I'm trying to get published still but it's more of a half-ass effort I suppose. I'm serious about my writing, but when I say serious, I mean I focus more on the expression itself than on implementing dreams with it. But maybe that's what I need to do now? I don't know.
All I know is, I wish some people could come along and invite me into their circle of art and poetry, or that I could somehow organize a little group like this of about 4 or 5 people and really make something amazing.
But as for now, who knows what will happen.....it just continues to be my wish. | | |
| So usually I probably wouldn't keep a site like this going since well, its just blogs, right?
WRONG. In these few little pages that are left are housed some memories I think are important, so much so that I wish I had kept my xangas before this one, and it moves me to tears knowing they're gone.
Friends have come and gone through my life, and my best friend Rey who I'd met in 2005 and knew for several years after, had the most fun times of my life with...died earlier this year on April 11th. He was the first guy I ever loved (even though he was straight), and that tore into me pretty good. His death date was also coincidentally my first boyfriend's birthday, whom he had introduced me to.
If you read earlier posts from 2006, I said how much I hated the month of April. That's an even bigger reason to hate it.
So yes...people have come and gone out of my life, and I've given up keeping journals, both on paper and online, because every year is the same. I complain, I get something or someone I want, then I lose it. I have faith, then it gets shattered.
Its a constant cycle that I feel I have no need of reminding myself that I am stuck in, therefore keeping journals has become irrelevant. It takes the focus away from actually fixing things, which if I ever hope to get out of this HOLE called McAdoo, PA....I must focus on my dreams and who and what and where will help me succeed in them.
I miss the good old days of Xanga....getting comments, having entries read....but even on MySpace, its not like that anymore.
Its all about the world of vlogging on YouTube, and sadly, I haven't a camera. You probably wouldn't wanna see me these days anyways. I've become a bit hideous, sometimes letting myself go here or there.
Not like it matters much. The vanity needs to be stripped away from this planet, its infecting the youth like a disease. Now, we don't have to worry about saving ourselves from being emo and suicidal anymore....the lies are beginning to do the work for us. We put on a brave face and makeup and straighten our hair and have a "crew" and make shitty electronic music on FruityLoops or GarageBand (hey, sadly...VERY sadly....anyone can do their own homemade bullshit nowadays, its sick). And we listen to hellish, infernal, ungodly and awful shit like BrokeNCYDE.
This vanity must stop. Its exactly why I shaved my head last year and halted the makeup. I had better things in mind, like the expansion of my consciousness and spirituality, to get in touch with my own divine nature, to finally break through and see myself as the god that I...and everyone else....truly is.
Then I dated a moron, who cheated and broke up with me and now I live with him and have sadly signed my life away to him in a manner of speaking. We have joint bank accounts, a phone plan, and share an apartment and everything else together. This boy does not love me and is not interested in me in the slightest. We are good friends at times, but even that is quite rocky.
I want out, but then I wonder if I'd feel guilty since he has health issues and in some fashion I feel I am responsible to take care of him. Why this is, I do not know as I've put my own dreams on hold because I wanted so badly to move out of my parents' house.
But such is life...as I said, writing about it takes away the focus that could be spent on fixing it. And fixing myself.
So maybe I'll continue writing here...but I don't expect anyone to listen. That's okay.
I'm probably better off with my own words anyway. My own world is a place I always miss.
For now, good luck, if you are in pain. Perhaps my situation sounds worse than yours, and you might feel better about your own life after reading this. Or perhaps not. But we are all in this together...I suppose it helps to know we are not alone.
In any case, I'm keeping this Xanga, perhaps saving the back entries somehow because Myspace deleted my oldest ones, which also upset me because they included the first times I hung out with Rey. We were estranged for about 2 years. Here's some advice....CALL the friends you have not hung out with in awhile...let them know you love them and say it often. You never know who you might lose.
But...I'm still around. As the great chronicler and journalist of everyone's lives, perhaps.
And I'll be here for quite awhile.
I love you all. And good luck.
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| Understanding In A Train Wreck
We were going nowhere fast. A brief feeling of movement whisked away by the crushing of bones, the ending of our lives, the stopping of our beating hearts. I let my heart beat for love, I let it speed and skip and bounce to the rhythm in every thought of you, I feel flustered, I think I can fly.
But love is too often a dangerous drug, a hallucinogen, if you will. And it can blind you. I don't think anyone else really realizes just how strong this impact can be as in one moment I feel something and the next I don't. I feel stranded on the tracks trapped in a car as the loud ringing and flashing red lights before me cause my heart to beat ever-so-faster, and then......I am run over, crushed, my heart stops for one moment and in that moment I die, I wish to be in someone's arms, anyone's arms, for the hope I have in love continues to endure.
I feel as if I live my life in that last waking moment, those last couple seconds before the train hits and derails me. I can hear the warning bell ringing, I can feel the rumbling of the train on the tracks below me as I stand paralyzed with fear, paralyzed in the thought that maybe my actions have not been so real, that maybe I've been fake all along and nothing, NOTHING can stop the train from coming to run me over because in the end, everything is taken away from me.
In the end, I am nothing. In the end I have no one and so shall stay here to die alone on the tracks of a sad and lonely life, I could walk for miles but my course would still be the same.
This feeling has become all too common to me, so normal, that I can barely hear the deafening roar of the train, the blast of the whistle, or feel the earth shake below me.
In the same way, nor can I feel my heart stop right as the train hits. I'm used to breaking down, I'm used to being crushed, I'm used to the red lights flashing every event of my life before me. I'm even used to my heart stopping and dying every time.
I stand on the tracks, and I cannot ride the train to meet you. This train may go for miles and miles, but my heart is dead. I cannot move, for fear that I may one day break with one step forward. I prefer to stay upon the single track, waiting for the train to come again because without death as we know, there is no life.
I stay here because I prefer the familiar to the differential, I stay here because I know no other way than waiting, I stay here because I hope that someday, somehow....you will stop running me over and see that I am here, for I've only been waiting for that train to bring my true love home.
Two paths intersect, red lights flashing....
I remember once crossing these very tracks with you, we were, oh we were so young, wild, and free about ourselves, we had not a care in the world except for the love we once had for each other, the love, the lie, in the red flash I saw in your eyes.....
You did not love me in the end. You left me alone in that car to burn, to crash, to explode, to end the very beating of my heart that since the day I met you had only beat for you, it was the very thought of your love that kept me alive for but one last moment as the train hit me, crashed, we collided, derailed, and then I was no more to you.
You stood there, bewildered with a gaping mouth as if you'd been surprised I had not left. He waited for you on the other side of the tracks. Before the last blink of my eyes I saw him and my death was in slow motion. My heart beat once...twice...and then no more.
I am dead, and so I wish in jealousy that you had perished with me. I envy your life, I envy your love which you never gave to me. If there's one thing I do know baby, this train is coming again, and when it does....I'll be waiting.....I'll be waiting.....I'll be waiting.
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I wish Alex would pay attention to me. I mean is that so fucking HARD to do?!?!?! For at least one, just ONE guy to do what all my other boyfriends have failed to do?? To actually fucking CARE about me??? He supposedly wants to be with me.
I mean I know this isn't something I should bitch about because no one wants to hear my whining, but its true. None of them ever called me or really showed any concern for me whatsoever. I never got text messages asking how my day was or how I'm doing, I never got random calls just to say hi and for them to tell me they were thinking about me, NOTHING.
Its the little things that matter most to me, the things I've always dreamed of, things I've always wanted to do with someone I'm in love with and there are days I feel like I'll never get to do any of it and I'll just be single my whole life......
Now I'm pissed because I'm trying to talk about important things, stress certain things, and get to the bottom of everything so I don't have to worry so much, and he never fucking responds to the messages I send him on his myspace.
Seriously its like I might as well be dead or something. There's no point in looking for love, but for some reason as I said, my heart continues to beat with the false hope that one day, I just might find it.
FUCK IT. I'm rather content to feel completely hopeless right now. At least I have the comfort of knowing that some people do care, some people are real......its just that none of these people would ever probably want to date me or try being in love with me, because I dunno.....I can be really emotional and annoying sometimes.
I wish, I fucking WISH I had the boldness and courage and bravery to turn completely anti-social for a year or so. Instead I have some days of the week I do that, but I can't do it all the time or it drives me nuts.
I'm just sick of this. I'm sick of the red lights, seeing the signs, feeling the rumbling of metal beneath me and not MOVING. I'm sick of being derailed, devastated, brought down by people who simply don't care enough.
I'm not trying to be attention-seeking here, believe me, I'm just sick of not being loved in that special way, I'm sick of not feeling it with anyone, I'm sick of going after people I'll never get anyways and I'm sick of lying to myself.
I'm sick of whoring myself, I'm sick of doing things with people just to fucking FEEL. I can feel physically just as well as anyone else, but what the hell has happened to my heart?? "where has my heart gone, trapped in the eyes of a stranger, oh I, I want to go back to believing in everything...."
......Why can't I feel anything anymore?! Am I blinded?? Do I not try hard enough?? Or do I just lack the connection with anyone?? Did I pass up my chance and did I lose something totally precious that I had with my best friend Rey because I got too close??
Yeah. I fucked it up alright, and I wonder if I'll ever feel like that ever again in my entire life. I hope to God I do, because I was so convinced, I actually felt within myself that I was in love. I just wish we could have done something about it.
But.....no use in dwelling on the past, right?? There's more people to meet, REAL people, affectionate people, and why do I whine so much when my friends can be these people???
Oh thats right, I'm screaming out for love cuz I'm a total hopeless romantic.
I hate being like this, grrrr.
Someone just.....please love me. Please. I'm not even asking much. I just need somebody, somewhere, guy or girl, who actually cares enough to talk to me and want to be with me, who *ahem*, CALLS ME (especially when they promise to), and does little random things to show how much they care about me and brighten my day, someone who I can feel that connection with again and who I can fall in love with.
I have friends around me who seem to have this and I envy them soooo much and I just wish I could have what they have because it would mean everything to me to be in love, to feel like that......
I want someone who would come surprise me at work, leave me chocolates or something at my door lol, who would drive me somewhere and say its a surprise, and we'd end up sitting on the hood of the car at the top of a hill somewhere and holding each other as we watch the sunset or July 4th fireworks or whatever......
(sorry i'm so fucking cheesy...but I'd really like doing that kinda stuff with the person I'd be in love with)
Damn it.
Fucking dammitttt. :-*(
To whoever you are........I love you.
If you're out there, I beg you......come take me off these train tracks.
Later.  | | |
| OMG.
Fucking BEST SHOW OF MY LIFE!!!!!!
I was sooo happy. I crowd surfed a good 4 or 5 times lol. And I moshed around, but let me just say that I absolutely HATE how the whole moshing thing has evolved...or rather, devolved......into a bunch of crazy maniac assholes who act like drunk ninjas doing fake karate moves and flailing their fists in every fucking direction......its like yeah, I kinda don't wanna get hurt........but anyways I moshed around like that ONCE and learned my lesson, cuz I must have hit someone by accident and the next thing I knew, I got my ass kicked (literally) onto the floor. Then I got up and worked my way back into the crowds and was like fuck that lol.
The crowd surfing was GREAT, even though I almost got dropped on my head a couple times cuz I guess the people near the front didn't see me flying over them until I had kicked them in the head, and people couldn't hold me up so like I fell once and landed hard on the top of my back, thankfully I didn't fall on my head. But my shoe flew off, and then these guys helped me back up and gave me a pat on the back and are like "you ok man?" I'm like I'm good lol. One guy asked if I wanted to go back up again but I was like "nah, not now" haha.
OMG it was crazy lol that was the most fun I had in a LONG time. I had picked up Rey cuz I had 2 extra tickets so he came with me, at one point we crowd surfed at the same time haha cuz I saw him right next to me once and we're just like hell yea!! lol and we got passed up to the front and the security guys took us and the one who was standing at the end was giving everybody a nice head start SHOVE back into the crowd lol that was awesome, the first time I crowd surfed and he did that, I flew like 10 feet into the crowd haha it was awesome. I'm not sure if he was shoving people cuz he was mad or cuz he knew how much fun we were having and wanted to keep us moshing lol, but it was cool either way.
I was SO close to the band when I crowd surfed haha it fucking rocked, and I was singing and screaming along. OMG I wanna see them again now lol. By the end of the show though, like halfway through the second to last song, I got so worn out and out of breath I thought I was gonna pass out and die, but the problem was all these people were moshing around me and it was so fucking hot in there, and I got even more hot and out of breath from being shoved around constantly, like I was trying to stop and stand but I couldn't cuz I kept getting pushed, it was scary for a few seconds I was like AAAHHH God please don't let me die!!!!!!
But I was okay, I eventually clung to the wall cuz at Croc Rock they have these big like, garage-type doors, and some people were standing against that cuz they had the bottom of the door opened a little to let some cold air in, so I was able to hold onto that and get a little cooled off. I wanted to crowd surf again, but my energy was too drained lol.
That was SO awesome. And I thought the Thursday concert was crazy. Ha. This was even crazier. It was sooo like OMG......I can't even describe it, you just would have to be there lol. GREAT show, GREAT band, and after that I love them even more. Its like WOW.
Crowd surfing is the funnest thing in the whole world, I swear. It requires a lot of trust and that you be crazy and daring enough lol, I guess you just gotta be able to tell exactly when you're about to land so you don't get too hurt. Mosh pits can be fun, but that's even riskier than crowd surfing in my opinion, at least these days. But maybe thats only at bigger and wilder shows too, because there's still the better smaller ones where you're ok and people are content enough to just crash into each other, but the whole flailing fists and karate kicks bullshit.....I could do without that lol. One of Rey's friends got a bloody nose tonight lol I was like shiiittt man lol.
So yeah I stay away from mosh pits that are that insane. Crowd surfing fucking rules. I love getting thrown around lol. I just didn't like almost falling on my head, that was a little scary, people need to be more prepared for that I guess.
Best night ever. I can't wait till the day I can do that again lol. Damn. If I can save up enough money this summer, I wanna be a roadie for Underoath. That would totally rule.
And a "roadie" in case you didn't know is someone who follows a band to every single show they play and hang out with them in between and sometimes even buy them food lol. Basically its like devoting your life to a band. Which with Underoath, I dunno if I'd mind doing, actually. Cuz I love them that much lol.
God that show was so awesome I can't get over it. Raaahh!!!
Only thing that sucked about tonight was I couldn't find Alex :*-(. Emo tear. Like hXc. I really wanted to see him, I was PRAYING I'd see him, but I didn't. I saw someone who I thought looked like him though but they had a couple friends with them so I don't know if it was him or not cuz I didn't think he was bringing anyone.
Oh well, his fault for NOT CALLING ME like I told him to do a billion times. Rawwrrr.
Well thats about it. It was a fucking blast. Except for Rey asked if I wanted to go to a party with him and I said sure and he ended up inviting a few ppl like Nikki and shit, and we ended up at McDonald's (the one I work at), I went to get Carmelina and they said they'd wait for me, so I did and came back......Rey and Nikki and his friend Malachi were gone, and he didn't even call me. I tried calling him a few times and texted him, no reply. I'm like wtf where did you go and why did you ditch me. Grrr.
Although unfortunately, ditching people is sooooo like Rey, so yeah. Like he'll sometimes make plans with me then ditch me for his other friends who are in the same area (cuz he's all popular and shit) and I'm wondering where the hell he is for like, 20 minutes.
Whatever, I had a good time driving around with Carmelina and getting iced coffees and bagels from Dunkin Donuts and just driving some more and exploring back roads and shitt.
So that was my night. I loved it. Except for the part about not getting to see Alex, and Rey ditching me in one of the worst ways I've ever been ditched by him. But the concert tops it all, so I'm not too mad, actually. My whole body fucking aches. But it was SOOO worth it.
I just wish I'd been able to have more people come and then go to a diner afterwards cuz that would have been PERFECT, but oh well, my plans never go as perfect as I usually want them too. Maybe one day they hopefully will, but until then, this night was definately the night of my life.
 fucking Yaaayyyeeahh biatch!!!!!!!
Later!! 
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